Here’s the scoop – earlier this week, I treated Chris to an elegant 3-course meal. I’m a self-proclaimed wine connoisseur, so he returned the favor by arranging a wine tasting for me. The wine tasting is happening as I type in my basement – I’m live-blogging it. The fact that the current time is 10:30 AM does not matter, because in Tashkent, Uzbekistan, it is 8:30 PM.
Chris has presented a spread of four wines for me in my basement, but he’s nowhere to be seen. It might be strange that I’m drinking by myself in the basement, but I’ll correct that absurdity by turning the lights off and crying. I’d also like to add that I chose to wear my glasses rather than my contacts this morning. Why? People who like wine are intelligent and high class. People who wear glasses are intelligent and high class. Put those two together, and I’m ultra-intelligent and super-high class. Let the live tasting begin:
Wine #1: As any wine connoisseur would do, I immediately shotgunned this glass of wine. We in the business do this to fully run the wine over our palate and get the maximum flavor. The technique obviously worked, as I could taste every nook and cranny of the wine. It was delicious. Wine #1 reminds me of a watered-down version of Franzia Merlot. On to wine the second.
Wine #2: This wine was a little harder to chug. I needed to run upstairs and get a lemonade to chase it with. I was unaware that wine needed to be followed with a chaser. Perhaps this is from a brand new vineyard, or perhaps I am a big pansy. As I feel the effects of the first two Vinos kicking in, I will describe the flava of this wine. I could taste some leather. I think the leather flavor comes from the sandals of the grape-stomper. I need to go call a few ex-girlfriends before I move on to the third wine.
Wine #3: One of my ex-girlfriends called me a wino. I don’t know what this is, but it rhymes with rhino, so it must mean that I’m pretty tough. I just went to shotgun this third sample, but I reached for an imaginary glass, as my vision has now doubled. To combat this tom-foolery, I reached out with both of my hands. My left hand met with the real glass and poured the wine into my mouth. My right hand was disappointed and started fighting my left hand. Right now my brain is winning the battle because both of my hands are typing.
Wine #4: I just looked into the mirror. My tongue is purple. I’m freaking out. I just poured the fourth wine all over my right hand because he’s still whining about his lack of wine. I think I need to go to bed before I pregame for lunch.
NOTE FROM CHRIS: It’s about 3:00 PM. I just found Matt passed out on the basement table. He left his computer on in the next room, so I’ll finish up this post for him. That three course “meal” he “treated me to” was crap, so I gave him four wine glasses filled to the brim with straight vodka mixed with purple food coloring and called it a wine tasting.
