Top 10 Worst Sports Team Names Ever

10). UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs-This will surely strike fear into all opponents. And perhaps change them to a healthy lifestyle?

edit: Thanks to reader Clark Beech for correcting this. We had originally posted this as UC Santa Barbara, and as Clark said, “I just didn’t want my alma mater to be associated with the banana slug.”

9). Macon Whoopee- A minor league hockey league team that sadly folded in 2002. Amazingly, this team was featured on NBC regularly during its first season in 1973.

8). King Faisal Babies- This Ghanian professional football (soccer) team surely provides binkies and diapers for all spectators, to make sure players and fans feel the same ridiculous feeling.

7). Centralia Orphans- How’d they get so many orphans together? Apparently all orphans look like the logo below.

6). Frankfort Hotdogs- You are hilarious not.

5). Mars Area Fighting Planets- Does their logo consist of all of the planets in the solar system fighting together? Can that fit on one shirt? And dresses up as the mascot at sporting events? Sucks for that kid.

4). Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters- I am simply speechless. See Picture.

3). Thailand Tobacco Monopoly- After this soccer team is finished beating you, you are required to attend an informational session on how the tobacco monopoly came about. (#3 on this top ten list brought to you by Philip Morris USA.)

2). Wikki Tourists of Bauchi- You love to hate ‘em. At least they are pumping money into the economy, just not in the country where they came from (Nigeria).

1). Butte Pirates-This high school in Butte, Idaho had to ruin all fun athletes could possibly have while competing. The jokes are just endless. The ultimate humiliation.

The Next 5 Items To Be Energized

Ever since 1985, Jolt Cola has been known wide and far for having a high caffeine content. Almost 25 years later, our nation has a caffeine and energy obsession. The energy addiction began with a slurry of energy drinks that had middle school kids running to grocery stores in herds just to be known as “the cool kid who drinks”. As of recent, there are several other energized products, like gum, mints, and jelly beans. I reluctantly accepted the existence of energized gum and mints, but jelly beans really hit me hard. Now I’m going to fight the energetic man by introducing The Next Five Products To Be Energized:

1. Water – Water is the only obvious product soon to be energized, solely because of Brawndo’s starring role in the Mike Judge film Idiocracy. In the movie, public water does not exist – the world has replaced it with an energy drink with electrolytes. This is too ridiculous of a situation to happen yet. No company would be able to replace public water without public outcry – they’d have to attack by energizing all water around Fiji, therefore energizing all of our bottled water. The next step would be public water.



2. Fruits and Vegetables – This is going to be a twofold energy attack. First, farmers are going to want to get in on the energy fad. Second, parents always want their kids to eat fruits and veggies. The best way to get them to do so is by disguising them with drugs, just like tomacco.
   



3. Breadsticks – The Olive Garden is obviously going to want to get in on this trend.



4. Toothpaste – In the future, every facet of your life must add energy to your existence. You will not be able to go one minute without consuming something energous (meaning “full of energy” – this will be added to Webster’s Dictionary withing the decade). Only the weak will brush their teeth with regular toothpaste. (Edit: When I said “one minute” earlier, you may have possibly inferred that teeth are to be brushed for one minute. This is a gross error. Teeth need to be brushed for two minutes, individually, which adds up to a total of one hour and 4 minutes of teeth-brushing.)



5. Sleeping Pills – Insomniacs of the near future will feel extremely foolish for taking pills that make them sleep, so they will take sleeping pills with energy, which will essentially be a placebo. Speaking of insomniacs, the political and business leaders of our future will no longer be judged based on intelligence or skills of any sort, but on one’s ability to be full of energy. I predict that President Obama will be the last US president elected based on intelligence and political strategy. Only insomniacs and extremely hyper 13 year olds will be elected to positions of high authority.

What Not To Say To Women

Let’s face it. Being “P.C.” in this day in age is extremely difficult. That’s why this guide for what not to say to women was compiled. Avoid these common things to say to women and you may have a chance to get out of the house tonight.

10). “I have scurvy”- Scurvy isn’t that bad. Just eat a lemon or two and you’re cured. It just sounds like you have to clean up your undercarriage region.

9). “I Love You”- You’ve given up everything after this. Your life just ended.

8). “Do you hate kids too?”- All women are thinking of someday brewing up a baby inside of themselves. This is the perfect way to make sure women don’t come to close to you.

7). “How about a vacuum for your birthday?”- Making women clean is like making men drink beer. It’s all natural.

6). “Are you sure you should be eating that?”- Women think they are fat 100% of the time. Plant this seed in their mind and you’ll make sure she’s looking up to your standards.

5). “Your mom looks good in that top too.”- She knows you’ve been eyeing her mom anyway. Maybe you can have your cake and eat it too with this gem.

4). “Do you want to borrow my razor?”- I know it’s hard for you to not stare at her ‘stache. Offer some help to ease your pain.

3). “Women can’t do that!”- They fought for years for equal rights. Take that away.

2). “I feel like my ex did that better…”- The good thing about this quote is that it has so many places it can be inserted. That’s what she said.

1). (While Putting your hand on her stomach) “I can feel it kicking!”- Note: This should be used exclusively for women you do not know or are just meeting for the first time.