NATURE

It seems nature has decided to launch a full on attack on all human-kind.  Scientists have recently discovered that volcanoes may give off more greenhouse gases than humans do.  This is great news for all of us because this means now we don’t have to stop spraying aerosol cans into the sky during HairSpray Day (my favorite holiday) nor do we have to quit burning all of our trash and rubber tires in landfills.  But something must be done against this internal threat.

GAAG nation, Mother Nature has declared war on all human kind with this act of treachery.  So I demand the immediate removal of all volcanoes, starting with Old Faithful. With all of these pollutants gone we won’t have to worry about all that environmental crap about global warming, greenhouse gases, climate change, and Al Gore. We can finally put an end to Go Anti Green by hitting them at their source and silencing the tree-huggers.

Of course everyone wants to know, how are we going to get rid of these monsters? Well, I have a plan. Everyone knows volcanoes are made when the earth gets hot. I mean, imagine if your mouth was on fire, you would be thirsty too. But, also like us the Earth doesn’t like just any water, and in order for us to clean up the Earth we must give it clean purified water. Clean water is also known to be super effective against hot and dry things. So I am calling out to all of you to buy as many purified water bottles as you can and pour them into a volcano nearest you.  And remember, Don’t forget to GAAG your friends!

On a side note, the current Blog Post Game Score is

Bryan-Chris = 14

Matt-Mark=2

This week’s Poster Boy video is out.  Check it out.  From now on we hope to put out a Poster Boy video every Tuesday.  So we will see you next Tuesday.

On this week’s episode, Bryan interrupts Simba’s TV watching time so he can tell an outrageous story, much to Simba’s dissatisfaction.

Tip # 1: Water Conservation

To get you started we have our first tip of the week, water conservation.  Everyone knows that we are running out of water on a daily basis.  Scientists say that in the next hundred years all the water on the planet will be gone.  So what can you do to extend the life of you and everyone else? Drink alcohol.  Alcohol has been used to make us smarter and help us make decisions for centuries.  During George Bush’s presidency, 95% of his diet was Smirnoff Ice, which he said, “…helped me get through 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, the Iraq war, and my re-election.”  Studies have even shown that 58% of people prefer drinking while driving.  Alcohol is the life source of our planet.  It has even been used by animals for millions of years, as seen in this film.  After watching, Don’t forget to GAAG your friends!

This video is sent in by vikiclasper at youtube.

Every September 4th shall be now proclaimed as “Callie Rogers Day”. In case you are wondering what insignificant feat she accomplished, this 22-year old former lottery winner has blown through all the money ($3 million) she got that day 6 years ago. But you know, it was on the essentials:

• Coke (yes, the white stuff)
• Counseling (it’s tough winning $3 million dollars)
• Clothes (because $600,000 of Prada and Guchi paraphernalia is vital for life)

So what can you do to really bring out the spirit of the holiday?

• Invest with your street corner cocaine dealer
• Go to therapy for no particular reason and convince them you need antidepressants, dumping away your money
• Buy clothes 5 sizes too large for you.

Wasting is the American Dream. Thanks for being a patriot, Callie Rogers.

Happy Callie Rogers Day!

Here is a video from a new series we want to try out called Poster Boys.  We hope you enjoy.

We know that our readers like to live on the edge. Both of you like to do risky things that could possibly hurt or kill you. Because of this, I’m going to “test the waters” by partaking in these foolish activities. If I emerge from the risky activity safe, you can go ahead and participate yourself. If not, I’ll be dead and you’ll still be alive. It’s my way of keeping our readership up.

A couple of months ago, a massive amount of Toll House cookie dough was recalled because of traces of salmonella. Raw cookie dough eaters worldwide started exploding.

As you can see from the picture below, Toll House has introduced a new batch of cookie dough that they’re advertising as salmonella-free.

Several readers have emailed in with addresses along the lines of RAW_COOKIE_DOUGH_LVR@hotmail.com, so I know you’re enthusiastic about this topic. I had to find out what will happen if you eat this. Despite the warning label that says “DO NOT CONSUME RAW COOKIE DOUGH”, I went ahead and ate half of the container of cookie dough raw. It was a long, painful process, but I did it for you guys.

For about 5 minutes, I became as sugar high as a 3rd grader who just snorted a jumbo pixie stick. In the haze of my sugar high, I dropped my giant spoon on the ground. When I reached down to pick it up, I hit my head on the table and blacked out. I woke up in the morning without feeling sick, so it looks like this new batch of cookie dough really is salmonella-free. The only way you’re getting salmonella from this is if the Geico lizard serves it to you without wearing gloves. Eat up kids.

*But really, we’re not responsible for anything you do. I wouldn’t do anything we condone, ever.

We have some $10 iTunes gift cards to give away. All you have to do is win them is leave comments after our posts or call our phone number to the right and leave us a message. We’ll pick the ones we like the best and some random ones and we’ll mail the winners iTunes gift cards.

If you like the blog, make sure you click subscribe to the right to get updates. The site will be updated with new material every week day, so be sure to check back.

Here’s the scoop – earlier this week, I treated Chris to an elegant 3-course meal. I’m a self-proclaimed wine connoisseur, so he returned the favor by arranging a wine tasting for me. The wine tasting is happening as I type in my basement – I’m live-blogging it. The fact that the current time is 10:30 AM does not matter, because in Tashkent, Uzbekistan, it is 8:30 PM.

Chris has presented a spread of four wines for me in my basement, but he’s nowhere to be seen. It might be strange that I’m drinking by myself in the basement, but I’ll correct that absurdity by turning the lights off and crying. I’d also like to add that I chose to wear my glasses rather than my contacts this morning. Why? People who like wine are intelligent and high class. People who wear glasses are intelligent and high class. Put those two together, and I’m ultra-intelligent and super-high class. Let the live tasting begin:

Wine #1: As any wine connoisseur would do, I immediately shotgunned this glass of wine. We in the business do this to fully run the wine over our palate and get the maximum flavor. The technique obviously worked, as I could taste every nook and cranny of the wine. It was delicious. Wine #1 reminds me of a watered-down version of Franzia Merlot. On to wine the second.

Wine #2: This wine was a little harder to chug. I needed to run upstairs and get a lemonade to chase it with. I was unaware that wine needed to be followed with a chaser. Perhaps this is from a brand new vineyard, or perhaps I am a big pansy. As I feel the effects of the first two Vinos kicking in, I will describe the flava of this wine. I could taste some leather. I think the leather flavor comes from the sandals of the grape-stomper. I need to go call a few ex-girlfriends before I move on to the third wine.

Wine #3: One of my ex-girlfriends called me a wino. I don’t know what this is, but it rhymes with rhino, so it must mean that I’m pretty tough. I just went to shotgun this third sample, but I reached for an imaginary glass, as my vision has now doubled. To combat this tom-foolery, I reached out with both of my hands. My left hand met with the real glass and poured the wine into my mouth. My right hand was disappointed and started fighting my left hand. Right now my brain is winning the battle because both of my hands are typing.

Wine #4: I just looked into the mirror. My tongue is purple. I’m freaking out. I just poured the fourth wine all over my right hand because he’s still whining about his lack of wine. I think I need to go to bed before I pregame for lunch.

NOTE FROM CHRIS: It’s about 3:00 PM. I just found Matt passed out on the basement table. He left his computer on in the next room, so I’ll finish up this post for him. That three course “meal” he “treated me to” was crap, so I gave him four wine glasses filled to the brim with straight vodka mixed with purple food coloring and called it a wine tasting.

10). UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs-This will surely strike fear into all opponents. And perhaps change them to a healthy lifestyle?

edit: Thanks to reader Clark Beech for correcting this. We had originally posted this as UC Santa Barbara, and as Clark said, “I just didn’t want my alma mater to be associated with the banana slug.”

9). Macon Whoopee- A minor league hockey league team that sadly folded in 2002. Amazingly, this team was featured on NBC regularly during its first season in 1973.

8). King Faisal Babies- This Ghanian professional football (soccer) team surely provides binkies and diapers for all spectators, to make sure players and fans feel the same ridiculous feeling.

7). Centralia Orphans- How’d they get so many orphans together? Apparently all orphans look like the logo below.

6). Frankfort Hotdogs- You are hilarious not.

5). Mars Area Fighting Planets- Does their logo consist of all of the planets in the solar system fighting together? Can that fit on one shirt? And dresses up as the mascot at sporting events? Sucks for that kid.

4). Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters- I am simply speechless. See Picture.

3). Thailand Tobacco Monopoly- After this soccer team is finished beating you, you are required to attend an informational session on how the tobacco monopoly came about. (#3 on this top ten list brought to you by Philip Morris USA.)

2). Wikki Tourists of Bauchi- You love to hate ‘em. At least they are pumping money into the economy, just not in the country where they came from (Nigeria).

1). Butte Pirates-This high school in Butte, Idaho had to ruin all fun athletes could possibly have while competing. The jokes are just endless. The ultimate humiliation.